Chapter 11: Jealousy and Forcefulness (Kanae’s Point of View)
Two days had passed since Yuki-kun’s confession.
As far as I’m concerned, my relationship with Yuki-kun might be in the worst state it’s ever been.
And all of it was my own fault for being so oblivious to my own feelings.
Because of that, I spent all of last night agonizing, regretting, and feeling depressed. Thanks to that, I’m short on sleep again today, to the point where I’m confident I’ll end up falling asleep somewhere during classes later.
But after thinking it through all night, it was worth it, because I was finally able to understand my honest feelings. This time, they weren’t something borrowed from a friend, or feelings I picked up from the mood. They weren’t a misunderstanding where I mixed up admiration and romantic love. They weren’t about making falling in love the goal itself. They were unmistakably my true feelings.
I like Yuki-kun.
Turning down Yuki-kun’s confession and then realizing that about myself makes me think I’ve pulled an unbelievable about-face.
And then there’s this ugly regret that keeps coming up, thinking that instead of rejecting him outright, I should’ve at least said I needed time. That just makes me hate myself even more.
It might already be too late. With someone like me, he might end up hating me.
But at the very least, I want to tell him how I feel. Yuki-kun put so much effort into telling me his feelings, after all.
That’s exactly why, just like yesterday, I forced my sleep-deprived body to come to school today too, at an hour you could still call early morning.
All so I can see Yuki-kun during his morning practice.
“So… where’s Yuki-kun?”
Today, instead of looking from the classroom, I searched for Yuki-kun from the shadows of the school building.
I’ll find him and watch him, watch him closely.
When I narrow my eyes and glare out at the schoolyard, I see the soccer club running around while kicking the ball. Are they practicing dribbling, maybe?
Even as I think that, my eyes keep moving restlessly, and I spot Yuki-kun fairly quickly.
It looks like Yuki-kun is being stopped by the manager girl, I think.
I know it’s probably just about club business, but seeing that scene makes me feel awful anyway.
I never cared at all before, and now that I’ve realized my feelings, I’m suddenly jealous. Even I think that’s incredibly shallow of me.
I grit my teeth and let out a small growl as I stare at Yuki-kun talking with the manager girl.
Then, all of a sudden, the manager girl raises her voice.
“…Take… responsibility… do it… properly…”
The moment those words reach my ears, my back and the back of my head prickle, and my heart feels like it’s frozen solid. And yet, my wide-open eyes burn hot, and thick, heavy sludge keeps overflowing from deep in my chest.
It’s a feeling I’d never once had over Souta-kun. Something completely different from anything before, something I’m experiencing for the first time. Real jealousy.
I feel like I’m angry, or maybe sad, or maybe both. Everything’s a mess, and I don’t understand myself at all.
I don’t know what Yuki-kun and that girl are talking about, and I’m sure it’s related to club activities. Even so, I can’t suppress the irritation. After all, even I, who’ve been with Yuki-kun all this time, have never used the word “responsibility” with him.
“Ugh, what’s with that girl…”
A resentful voice slips out, and I can’t stop it. My gaze stays locked on the manager girl who was talking to Yuki-kun, and before I realize it, my brow is furrowed.
I never thought I was this kind of person. The moment I realized my feelings for Yuki-kun, this happened. I’m so jealous it even makes me recoil from myself, and there’s no way I could ever show this to Yuki-kun.
And while I’m stewing like that, morning practice ends, and it looks like Yuki-kun is heading to the classroom.
“What should I do…”
What if Yuki-kun gets taken by that manager girl? I can’t stop imagining things like that.
Driven by my panic, I decided to get ahead of Yuki-kun.
I rush through the entrance, dash up the stairs, reach the floor where my classroom is, hurry into my classroom, grab a towel from my bag, then go back to the stairs and wait for Yuki-kun to come up.
While I’m waiting, I try wiping a bit of my own sweat with the towel I plan to lend him. Just a little bit, and Yuki-kun won’t notice, right?
Actions like that make me think maybe I’m a bit of a pervert after all, especially with yesterday’s “pressed my face against Yuki-kun’s used towel” incident still on my mind.
But right now, Yuki-kun comes first.
I grip the towel tightly and get ready. Having gotten a taste of letting Yuki-kun use my towel yesterday, today’s plan is to get involved with him the same way again.
And handing him a towel feels kind of manager-like, so it works as overwriting that other girl too, right?
“Ah, Yuki-kun…”
When I call out to him just as he comes up the stairs, Yuki-kun turns toward me with a surprised look.
Uh… wh-what should I do? I’m getting really nervous…
“G-g-morning…”
I’m completely stiff.
Then Yuki-kun awkwardly returns the greeting, and after that, he hurries into the classroom.
As we pass each other, I catch Yuki-kun’s scent, and a weird sound like “ah” slips out of me without thinking. He didn’t hear it, right?
“I have to chase after Yuki-kun…!”
This isn’t the time to be thinking. I immediately go after Yuki-kun into the classroom. I have to get him to use the towel.
After that, with my clumsy guidance, I somehow succeeded in getting Yuki-kun to go wash his face. But he still feels like he’s avoiding me a bit, and even though it’s my own fault, it really hurts.
No, I can’t be weak. I might’ve rejected him, but Yuki-kun was the one who confessed, so this time it’s my turn to make an appeal.
I steel myself and wait for the right moment when Yuki-kun finishes washing his face, then hold out the towel. I want him to use it like yesterday. If possible, I was even hoping we could talk after that, but then…
“…it’d be bad if Souta misunderstood something.”
Ugh.
“Ah, well, you know. The other day after school, you said you liked Souta, right? So I thought if you were too kind to me just because I’m your childhood friend, Souta might get the wrong idea.”
Nghh.
“I’m rooting for you, Kanae…”
Just because I said I liked Souta-kun, this has turned into an unbelievable disaster.
What should I do, what should I do…
I look down and think. My body starts trembling.
Should I just say that I like Yuki-kun…? But two days ago, I said I liked Souta-kun. If I suddenly say I like Yuki-kun now, won’t he think that’s strange?
No, it’d definitely be strange. He’d think I’m a light, shallow girl. I don’t want Yuki-kun to think that about me.
And then, as if to pile on even more, an image pops into my head of Yuki-kun standing close to that manager girl.
“Th-then, I’ll t-take responsibility and wipe it for you… okay!”
I jerk my face up and forcibly scrub Yuki-kun’s wet face with the towel.
After a bit, I snap back to myself and look at Yuki-kun’s cheeks, and they’re red from all the scrubbing. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.
But in the confusion, I ended up touching Yuki-kun’s cheek too. Hehe.
“I-I’ll take responsibility…!”
I force those words out, and before Yuki-kun can say anything, before I can even look at his face, I turn on my heel and retreat back to the classroom.
M-my heart’s pounding like crazy. I was really forceful, but I declared that I’d take responsibility. Does he think I’m a weird girl? He probably does. No, maybe he thinks I’m dangerous instead.
“Ughhh…”
When I get back to my seat, I can’t help but clutch my head.
Because if I don’t do something like that, Yuki-kun just keeps trying to avoid me. It’s all my own fault for rejecting his confession, but I still end up thinking such convenient things, like wanting him to understand how I feel now, wanting him to pick up on it without me saying anything.
“B-but… when I said responsibility, that means that kind of thing, right…”
I’m still a student, and more than anything, I know I shouldn’t decide something like that on my own without Yuki-kun’s permission.
Ah, but still… my dizzying fantasies won’t stop.