Chapter 8: These Feelings (Kanae’s Point of View)
During lunch break, I was troubled.
Ah, I messed up. I really messed up…
Ever since this morning, my strange behavior hasn’t stopped.
In the morning classroom, I made eye contact with Yuki-kun, followed him to the sinks, lent him a towel after he washed his face, and then, the moment I got back to the classroom, I pressed that towel against my own face after taking it back.
That last part was completely unconscious, and before I realized it, I’d already done it.
I’m totally a pervert…
I immediately pulled the towel away from my face and stole a glance at Yuki-kun’s seat, but thankfully, he still hadn’t come back. I was really glad he didn’t see me. I don’t want Yuki-kun to think I’m a weird girl.
After that, when Yuki-kun came back, we ended up making eye contact again, and before I could stop myself, I waved at him…
Yuki-kun froze with a surprised look, then started fidgeting with a confused expression. Somehow, that was cute, and it made me want to tease him a little.
But when I kept seeing that troubled look on Yuki-kun’s face with no reaction from him, I remembered my own position.
That’s right… even though Yuki-kun went to the trouble of confessing to me, I turned him down…
And yet, waving at him now made me feel really unfair somehow, and my mood sank.
But then, the very next moment after I felt down, Yuki-kun waved back at me.
I felt so relieved and happy that I almost cried… Yuki-kun is so kind…
I’m sure I was embarrassingly happy, and I probably had a really sloppy look on my face.
In the end, Yuki-kun and I kept waving at each other until the teacher came, and we both got scolded. Even so, somehow it felt ticklish and made me happy.
Even during class, I was too preoccupied with Yuki-kun, and whenever I glanced at him, our eyes met again and again.
Even during breaks, I wanted to know how Yuki-kun was doing, so I kept going over to talk to him myself. And on top of that, it was always about pretty trivial things…
If he thought I was a weird girl, or thought I was a mean person for turning down his confession… just imagining that scared me so much. But I wanted to gauge what he thought of me. I wanted to know how Yuki-kun felt, and so I talked to him again.
Every time I talked to him, Yuki-kun looked a little awkward, and it hurt that our conversations didn’t flow like before, but it couldn’t be helped…
And through all of this, I finally realized that up until now, Yuki-kun had been the one keeping the conversation lively. He’d always been considerate of me and made things fun for me.
“And yet…”
Feeling gloomy, I slumped forward onto my desk.
I think the answer I gave to Yuki-kun’s confession yesterday was better than lying or dodging it. I think that. I really do… or at least, I should think that…
“Hey, are you listening, Kanae?”
Suddenly, Souta-kun, who was sitting diagonally in front of me, spoke to me.
“Huh?”
“Seriously, don’t suddenly fall asleep when I’m talking to you.”
“Ah, yeah, sorry.”
It seems Souta-kun had been talking. Maybe I did something rude.
“Haa… I’m about the only one who can keep up with your pace like this, you know? Since I’m your childhood friend.”
As I watched Souta-kun mutter “good grief” like usual and shake his head, I thought about Yuki-kun.
Come to think of it, it feels like Yuki-kun always adjusted himself to me. His talking pace, his walking pace, his eating pace. Everything was like that.
“Yuki-kun…”
“And this morning too, I got clung to by those three again… huh? Did you say something?”
“Ah… um, I was just wondering where Yuki-kun went…”
Normally, he’d borrow the seat next to me or in front of me, and we’d eat together…
When I thought that maybe he was avoiding me, my chest hurt terribly.
“Oh yeah, now that you mention it, he’s not here. Probably something club-related or another class. That guy has way too many male friends for no reason. Or rather, isn’t he always pretty random about that stuff?”
Yeah, it’s not like we ever made plans. Yuki-kun always came over on his own, talked about his club or his friends, I laughed, and sometimes Souta-kun chimed in. That was how it always went.
“More importantly, I’m really troubled. After school today, Rinka and Azaka-senpai called for me again…”
Souta-kun started talking like usual.
Up until now, I would’ve listened excitedly, thinking something like how popular Souta-kun is, but right now, none of what he was saying was getting into my head at all.
Where is Yuki-kun, I wonder…
While I kept thinking that, lunch break, which felt longer than usual, was coming to an end, and Yuki-kun sluggishly appeared from the back entrance of the classroom.
I immediately rushed over to Yuki-kun.
“Yuki-kun.”
“K-Kanae?”
I’d spoken to him so suddenly that Yuki-kun looked surprised.
I looked up at Yuki-kun while holding back my nerves and racing heart.
“Where did you go during lunch break…?”
The way I asked sounded sulky, and my face grew hot. How embarrassing…
“Um, in the club room… I was eating lunch…”
I know I don’t have the right to feel this way. I know I shouldn’t. And yet, his words made me feel a little irritated. Did he prefer eating in the club room over eating with me…?
Self loathing and irritation tangled together, and my head turned into a mess.
“Tomorrow, eat with me.”
“Y-yes.”
After confirming that Yuki-kun nodded with a stiff expression, I returned to my seat and deeply regretted everything I’d just said and done.
After that, I couldn’t concentrate on anything at all. All I could do was look back on my blunt behavior over and over, repeating regret and despair…
And then, it was after school.
Homeroom ended, and everyone in the class started moving all at once.
Yuki-kun was carrying two bags and looked like he was heading to club activities. What should I do? If I waited until he finished, could we go home together? If so, maybe I could at least make up for what happened during lunch…
While I was worrying like that, Souta-kun spoke to me.
“Like I said at lunch, I’ve been called by Rinka and Azaka-senpai today… do you want to come too?”
“No, I wasn’t called, so I’ll go home.”
“Huh? Ah, no, but…”
I answered Souta-kun like that, so I’ll just go home today.
I want to calm down and think things through. The way I feel when I say I’m in love with Souta-kun, and the way I’ve been acting since receiving Yuki-kun’s confession… they feel really far apart.
As I walked home, I reflected on myself up until now, all the way back to when I first started being conscious of Souta-kun.
And then, the scene shifts to my house’s dining room, bathed in the light of the setting sun.
The heavy feeling in the air is definitely because I’m nervous.
“S-so, this is about a friend, okay? There was someone she’d been interested in for a long time, but recently a different person confessed to her… and after that confession, she started worrying about the person who confessed to her instead… is that strange?”
With my thoughts completely stuck, I decided to consult someone by framing my situation as a friend’s problem. That someone was, unbelievably, my mom.
“Let me see? You’ve been a Souta-kun fan for ages, but lately you’ve been curious about Yuki-kun? And wow, Yuki-kun finally confessed to you, Kanae.”
“Nngh!? W-why!?”
My mom was grinning.
She knows everything… how?
“M-Mom, did you know that Yuki-kun… about me…?”
“Of course I knew. I mean, Yuki-kun’s been that obvious for ages. Anyone would notice.”
I didn’t notice…
“When you say ages, how far back?”
“At least since before you started chasing after Souta-kun.”
That long ago, Yuki-kun already felt that way about me…
“Uhehe…”
“Ugh, gross.”
That’s so mean!
“More importantly, did you even really like Souta-kun?”
“Eh, yeah, I thought he was cool and all…?”
Hearing myself say it, it felt like I was making excuses.
“Did you? From the outside, it didn’t look like that to me. Wasn’t it more like admiration, or being a fan of a close idol?”
Ugh… what do I do, that actually makes a lot of sense…
“Besides, you spend your birthday, Valentine’s Day, and Christmas with Yuki-kun every year, and his presents and chocolate are always more extravagant.”
“Th-that’s because I figured Souta-kun probably had invitations from other girls… and the chocolate and presents were just thanks for everything. And because Yuki-kun always gives me such amazing ones every year, so it was in return…”
…And even I can tell that sounds strange. It’s the same with Souta-kun’s stories about being popular. Even when Souta-kun gets along with other girls, I don’t feel jealous or anxious at all. If anything, I end up wanting to know what happens next sooner.
I realize I’ve been looking at Souta-kun the way you read a shoujo manga.
Come to think of it, all the reasons for my affection toward Souta-kun were just things I’d picked up from friends.
“You’re way too dense…”
Confusing admiration with romantic love is something you see in manga and novels, but I never thought it could happen in real life, so I didn’t even consider it. And yet, to think it happened to me…
If it weren’t for Yuki-kun’s confession, I never would’ve thought about it or realized it.
As I despaired over my own denseness, an even more outrageous thought struck me.
“W-w-wh-what should I do!? I-I t-turned down Yuki-kun’s c-conf… c-confession!!”
M-my head’s spinning… I feel like I’m going to collapse…
“Oh dear, then it’s already hopeless. Yuki-kun will just get himself a girlfriend somewhere else.”
My mom was definitely enjoying teasing me with that grin, but the idea of Yuki-kun having a girlfriend was absolutely unbearable.
“No way…”
The words slipped out on their own.
“Well, think it through carefully and do your best.”
My mom’s saying something, but none of it is getting into my head at all.
Right now, all that fills my hopeless head is freezing despair, burning impatience, and pitch black jealousy…